I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
