omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize