you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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