I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
