The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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