I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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