so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
