I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
