I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
