I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
cat food counts as protein by the way
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
