My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
