My Higher Power is John Stamos
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dick very happy bro
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
