I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
