I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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