I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
