I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
