im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
