They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize