They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize