he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
