I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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