i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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