If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
