Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
