I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
