but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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