In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
