i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
