He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
