I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
