Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
