I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
