3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think my fart just growled at me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
