If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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