just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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