you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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