i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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