Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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