During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
