I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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