I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
