every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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