i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
