oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
