So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Randomize
