Even the bartender felt bad for me
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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