I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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