Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
