Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
