If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Use "feeling words"
Yay
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
