I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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