the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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