got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
