u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize