sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
