Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
