Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
