I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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